Industry | 2009.05.17
Hugh Muir's Diary
We are all losers in the trouser-gate debacle. Save for those who might win
The following correction was printed in the Guardian\'s Corrections and clarifications column, Friday 15 May 2009.
The Diary below did Hilaire Belloc a slight injustice by misquoting his poem on the subject of lords and lights. It should have read: "Lord Finchley tried to mend the Electric Light/Himself. It struck him dead: And serve him right!/It is the business of the wealthy man/To give employment to the artisan." We originally left out "Himself".
Across the mine-filled terrain that is the Labour heartland, something is stirring. They read the papers – all those tales of MPs pulling the Artex down at cost to the taxpayer, fitting kitchens, claiming to fund their personal security. They don\'t like them. Perhaps the only people for whom they make less than catastrophic reading are Labour activists stuck in that hinterland reserved for those who would like a seat but have been unable to procure one. They see a pleasing amount of churn arising from the trouser-gate debacle; MPs whose transgressions make carrying on impossible, those helping the police with their inquiries.
One never likes to gain in regrettable circumstances such as these, but here they are, ready to serve. On websites such as Labourhome, where there has been enthusiasm for the thread "Is deselection a possibility?", there is vitriol and naked ambition perhaps in equal measure. Watch out Margaret Moran in Luton South. "Luton South has always gone with the winning party and the last thing we need in a bellwether like that is a liability of a candidate," says one member. "We need to go for full deselection of the rotten eggs and it needs to be done publicly. No resignations to save face. It needs to be humiliating for the MP who abused the system," posts another. "Never has there been a better time to be a PPC," suggests a man with an overview. A silver lining. Who knew?
• Poetry time now – and as the argument rages about the expenses claim by Conservative shadow David Willetts (£115 plus VAT to replace 25 light bulbs at his second home in west London, if we recall it right, another £80 to "change lights in bathroom"), let us enjoy the case for the defence as outlined by Hilaire Belloc way back in 1911. "Lord Finchley tried to mend the Electric Light, It struck him dead: And serve him right! It is the business of the wealthy man, To give employment to the artisan." The defence rests, M\'lud. We have nothing further.
• We hear from the group Tobacco Free Europe that smoking kills someone in Europe every 48 seconds. You may view this as a bad thing. Certainly ministers who seek to hide the ciggies away in high-street shops appear to do so. But then none of us have the wide perspective of Godfrey Bloom, the self-styled Andy Capp of the European parliament. "We are too many on this planet anyhow and we are also getting older, who is going to pay for all those pensions if smokers are not dying?" says a missive from his office refusing an invitation from Tobacco Free Europe. "You are mentioning the cost of smoking-related illnesses and premature deaths. I am astonished by this naivety of yours. Aren\'t tobacco consumers paying enough taxes when they buy their cigarettes?" The rant goes on. "You seem to forget that the tobacco industry is a successful industry (that pay taxes as an industry), that employs people who ALSO pay taxes as taxpayers. You want more unemployment, is that it? Very clever of you, especially in this context of financial crisis." That\'s a no, then?
• He\'s right in a way. But then he\'s usually right, especially in matters concerning the health of the nation. "I\'ve never drunk less than eight pints in a session," says Godfrey, quoted in the Selby Times. "That\'s 17,472 pints, not counting the Lord\'s day. If I get my three score years and 10, I will drink another 5,824, and if I lose my seat in June it should free up a bit of time as well." We would hate to lose him, but looked at from this perspective, wouldn\'t more free time for Godfrey suit everybody.
• Follow his lead. Enjoy yourself. Go along to the Randolph Hotel, Oxford. Eat, make merry. Best be mindful of this warning from an online review. "Pricing policy is rather opaque. Your online booking does not allow for titles of \'Lord\' or (in my case) \'Lady\' or \'Baroness\'." Still, the servants are watchful and the fool always comes when summoned. Everything in its place.
For more information, please visit
http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2009/may/11/hugh-muir-diary-mps-expenses
